(no subject)

[bossymarmalade]

Am livid beyond belief, but in the final analysis the election results could have been worse. Therefore, I am trying to be zen.

I think you should all help me to be zen by doing this meme!

Leave a list of fictional characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. Your f- and f-of-list's mission, should they choose to accept it, to write you an in-character "letter" from a character on that list. Then they post their own list in their journal and the process continues!

Bono / John Constantine / Zorak, Space Ghost / Dr. Jack, Locke, Sayid, Jin, Sun / Kirkpatrick, Timberlake, Chasez / Dale Cooper, Harry Truman, Laura Palmer / anybody on the Baltimore Homicide Unit / anybody from The Simpsons/Futurama / X-Verse / Batverse / anybody from Red Dwarf / a Winchester / an Everwoodie / whoever else you think I would find entertaining

ANONYMOUS COMMENTING ON. *g*

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Be a man! Be a KLUGMAN!

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

How about if I think of you when I look to the night sky?!?

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie!

So sorry to hear about the election and stuff. :-) C came by my restaurant the other day and we were talking about the song that we're collaborating on, but then C said something about fat dogs and it made me think of you. Not in the way that sounded!! Really! I was just thinking about your great icon! Anyway, I said to him, "you know who I miss, C?" And he says, "who, cat?" And I said, "Maggie! We should totally invite her down for some dim sum!"

So, come eat with us, girl! Text me.

-JT

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear J,

I sincerely hope that this means that you and JC will be putting out a song that deals with fat dogs in some way. Or at least, the concept of furniture-pets.

The suggestion of dim sum is wonderful; I will definitely take you up on that! Also, we better be eating at Chi, bitch, because I'm dying to try those samosa spring rolls and tamarind granita.

lurve, maggie

ps. BRING MOMMA

[(Anonymous)]

maggie

michael. walt. help.

jin

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Jin.

I would dearly love to help, but I find Walt kind of creepy. Are you guys *sure* you want him back?

Also, please give your lovely wife this list of things that can be made with coconuts/coconut byproducts: oil, brooms, fuel (for fires), thatching, padding, utensils, mosquito repellent.

Keep fighting the good fight!
maggie

[xoverau.livejournal.com]

What a fun idea!

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

It is awesomes!

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Maggie,

I miss your letters.

Love,
Lynn Harless

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Lynn Harless,

I apologize profusely for the lapse in correspondence! It was wrong of me to fall behind so severely, especially since we have so much to talk about (ie. your son's new fashion line, his stymied movie career, his engagement (?!?), and his friends' predilictions to setting themselves on fire). Tell you what -- if you send me postcards with updates, I promise I'll write again. Deal?

all love,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie,

Look at me. LOOK AT ME! When they ask you and whose army, you tell them, Maggie. You tell them, me and Jack's army! That's right.

Dr.Jesus Dr.Moses Dr.Jack.

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear darling Dr. Jack,

I LOVE YOU. If I was on that island, you bet your ASS I would be making bumper stickers and flags and all kinds of shit to further your cause. You totally rock my world, and imho you are WAY better off without that whiny bitchass Mary-Sue wife of yours. ALLS YOU NEED IS YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ARMY, BABY.

kisses,
maggie

ps. Don't be a dog in the manger. We both know you don't really want Kate; let her hook up with Sawyer. Then if you find you miss her for real, y'all can have threesomes. You're a doctor, you can do the math. Everybody WINS.

[(Anonymous)]

Dear M,

I'm addressing you as "M" and not as "Maggie" because that's the curt and childish way I react when my feelings are hurt.

Why don't you want a letter from me? My hair is flowing and my nose is precious. I always make good decisions - not just for myself, but for everyone around me, too. I look fantastic in ever-changing ratty tank-tops, because they showcase my strong, tomboyish, full-of-womanly-allure arms. I like to overreact to things that merit no reaction and I don't address the things that I should notice and argue about. If you got to know me, I'm sure you'd approve of the way I manipulate Jack. I plan to mess him around for at least three more seasons - he'll never be a fully-functioning leader, but that's okay, because I'm going to lead our army to victory. Wait, what do you mean that puts me in the front lines?

xoxo,
Kate

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Kate:

There are way too many times you have cheated death. I strongly suspect that you have entered into a pact with a demon of some sort in order to be granted an unnaturally long and irritating life. Either that, or you suck life and interest from everybody around you.

However, Sawyer seems strangely able to counteract your psychic vampirism; please obtain a sturdy needle and some twine and stitch your ass to his side immediately.

Also, that toy airplane you have? It's stupid and boring and nobody cares. About the damn horse, either. Kindly shove one or both up your precious nose and shut the hell up.

xxxooo,
m

[(Anonymous)]

DEAR MAGGIE

DRINK MORE.

LOVE CHRIS

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Chris:

I AM MOTHERFUCKIN' ON IT.

love, maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie -

How's the pie?

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Special Agent Cooper:

Pie is *scrumptious*. If you hurry, I'll throw in a cup of coffee like you wouldn't believe.

adoration,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Maggie,
In times like this is it important to remember SPACE CORPS DIRECTIVE 34124 and continue on as is our duty, and keep order and a strict schedule.

Arnold J Rimmer

***
Bugger that. Fancy a vindaloo and curry? Ignore the smeg for brains.

Dave

***
Humans are very illogical. But charge my socket and call me Bill, there are floors to polish.

Kryten

***
All hands on deck. Swirly thing alert!

Cat



*giggles*
(*directive 34124: "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity")

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Iron Balls: You are truly the best of us. Reckless disregard of Space Corps Directive 34124 has resulted in many a trip to the medbay, and you are quite correct in reminding us of it. What a guy!

Dear Dave: I'm making Thai green curry for dinner tonight; I think you'd like it. If you feel like something else, we've also got about five jars of assorted Indian chutneys, peppersauces, and pickles for your gastronomical delight! Bring the lager.

Dear Kryten: You know, I've got this one pile of laundry that's been evading the washing machine for months. D'you think you could...? Ta, there's a love.

Dear Cat: Ignore the swirly thing! You're lookin' shaaaaaaarp, man. *g*

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. The Waterfront just ain't been the same without you. 'Course, The Waterfront ain't been the same without Munch and ol' jailbird Bayliss neither, but I guess that ain't neither here nor there.

What I was writing to say was that I've been findin' myself sittin' around, listenin' to a whole bunch of Teddy Pendergrass all by my lonesome, and you know that ain't right. So if you ever find your pretty little self in my neck of the Inner Harbor, I just might leave the light on for you.

Signed just about as sincerely as I get,
Det. Meldrick Lewis
Baltimore Homicide

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Detective Lewis:

You sure haven't forgotten how to sweet-talk a girl, but I've heard a LOT of stories from Barbara and Terri about you. Not to mention all the midnight whiny phonecalls from Mike. And Tim. And especially Munch.

...however, I cannot resist a man who owns a bar *and* rocks the porkpie hat, so I'll let you know the minute I'm in Bawlmer, and maybe we can make some music.

If you get clingy, though, I'm'a cap your ass.

interestedly,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie-

Dude, totally wish you were here. A weekend of skiing just isn't the same without out.

Collin and Ephram say hi. I know they say that nobody wins in a threesome, but dude, they never tried it on a ski lift!

Missin' ya!
Bright

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Bright:

Can you believe I live a couple of hours away from Whistler and yet have never gone skiing? You crazy kids should make a trip out here at some point and try it out. I hear Blackcomb is all the rage with the celebs; maybe in-between your teenage sexual hijinks you might catch sight of Cameron Diaz or somebody.

Ski safely (I hope you're not the types who go out of bounds all the time) and please give your father my love.

best, maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie, honey:

I'm thinking about changing my hair, but it seems like every time I do that something terrible happens. Thoughts?

I tried to ask Chris, but he pulled out some pot and we spent three hours talking about wallpaper paste and mint tea-- which reminds me, I think Chris might start a line of edible wallpaper pastes. Like Jessica's beauty products, but practicle. Lance has already offered to invest some of his reality tv money.

...Anyway, Chris is coming over again, so I should run. Let me know about the hair.

JC

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear JC --

Being a fellow person-of-unruly-curls, I can only give you this advice: run with it. This Sugarloaf-sculpting thing you've been doing is not only unattractive, but I'm sure it's costing you a hefty tab in hair taffy. Plus, nobody can run their fingers through it, and I'll bet you love it when people play with your hair. God knows I do.

Edible wallpaper pastes, I think you will find, sound a lot more exciting in theory; besides, the Japanese already use rice pastes for many carpentry purposes so they're ahead of you there. Perhaps a line of baking mixes that are concocted especially to taste good when pot is added? Lord knows I've had some pot cookies that tasted like freakin' catnip pucks.

Love, a fan,
maggie

[kln1671.livejournal.com]

Relax, chere! Dem ain't worth des much grief. Sure, t'ings don't look to good for da world, but dems the breaks. People, de make mistakes, and we get stuck wit' dere messes, but we get by. Da world keeps on turnin'. Dat is just da way of way of it. Ain't nut'in' to do but make da best o' t'ings and hope dat somet'in' better comes our way in da future.

Remy

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Remy --

Well, cher, I guess you would know about making the best of things, considering Katrina and Onslaught and, er, Rogue and all. Good advice, all considered.

Hey, have you ever considered using tarot cards instead of playing cards? They're longer and more aerodynamic, plus chicks really dig them!

avec amour,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Heeeeeeeeey there, robosexual.

-B


PS - You wanna make like a wrench and screw?

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr. Rodriguez;

I find your proposal to be tacky, disgusting, and cheap.

Therefore I will meet you outside the equipment shed in five minutes.

-maggie

ps. bring liquor.

[(Anonymous)]

Deer Maggie,

I fel that you're yoos of ikons that redekool reedacule ridekul make fun of mY intel intelgents brain is is AGGGH! WHATS THAT WORD? LISA!

Sink sersly,

Homer

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Homer:

Au contraire! I adore your particular brand of broad, earthy humour. But I can see how you might take my use of icons the wrong way, so let's just leave it at this: SCREW FLANDERS!

love, maggie

[(Anonymous)]

My dear fellow mutant,

You are entirely too fretful about the recent changes in the Canadian government. Firstly, despite what that priggish pantywaist Xavier may have been telling you I cannot--for obvious reasons--imagine a group of politicians who would be more naturally sympathetic to the goals and aims of a lot of sad twisted genetic freaks than would be the Conservatives. Secondly, all else aside it is safe to say that your Prime Minister Harper is...not who he appears to be. If you get my drift.

Yours,
Magneto

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Maggie:

Okay, sure, your government maybe isn't exactly where you'd like it to be, but what about MY PAIN? I am tortured every night by thoughts of Adena Watson and all the innocent little children who suffered, and prison food is bad, really really bad, and Frank hasn't visited me even once! not once! and after all I did for him besides! You know, maybe I shoulda gone harder after Ballard or maybe winked back at Kellerman once or twice or not messed up things with Chris Rawls. Maybe I would've been happier then.

Gotta go -- time for Law for Prisoners 101, where I am figuring out how to sue Frank Pembleton, that betraying bastard oh god I love him so much my pain is so intense I can't hurt Mary but I can't stop loving Frank help!

Anyway. Sorry again about your country.

Tim Bayliss

[(Anonymous)]

Mags--

Hey, you think politics are a bitch now, you try living through Nixon's second term. Sending you a little pick-me-up separately, from the back of my medicine cabinet--DO NOT OPEN IT UNTIL YOU'RE ALONE. If Customs gets to the package before you do, I disavow all knowledge.

Dee-tect-ive Munch

P.S. Is there a tactful way to tell Kay to quit kicking me during her sleep, and to start using a stronger mouthwash? I really don't want to fuck up marriage number five six five things, but I'm telling you, that Chesapeake Essence of Bloated She-Crab or whatever she uses to swish with before bed just ain't doing the trick.

John

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear John (there's a joke in there somewhere, isn't there?):

Customs, it seems, is only concerned with accosting the shipments of homoerotic literature bound for Vancouver gay-and-lesbian bookstores, because your package got through unmolested! Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

And here's some advice about your lady-love: apples and strawberries are natural mouth-fresheners. Wake her up with breakfast a few times, and I guarantee you that *both* of your bed-sharing problemsm, they will vanish like zee smoke!

much love and affection,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Maggie,

I hear that you're interested in being a minion of the coming New World Order. Any help would be, of course, appreciated. I've been watching you.

Tell that twit Space Ghost that there's a situation in another part of the galaxy. I'll use the time to escape.

Hahahahahaha!

-Zorak

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Lone Locust of the Apocalypse:

ALL MY BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU. I will do my best to get the message to Space Ghost; I think he's got a beef-log shipment coming in, so maybe I'll sneak it in there.

faithfully,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Greetings, citizen! Are you getting enough oxygen? I understand that lesser beings such as yourself are in need of plenty of it. Whereas I, with my colossal physique [flexes mightily] can go without for sustained periods of time. Let me show you! [holds breath]

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Greetings, Space Ghost!

My oxygen levels are just fantastic! You, however, might want to take a breath in the next hour or so. Just in case.

*taps fingers*

Just...in case.

love, maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Santa,

Is it nice on the moon? Daddy says that I have to wear a helmet when I ride my bike so the magic fairies don't fall out of my head. One tried to crawl out my nose but I stuffed him back in right away.

Love,
Ralphie

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Ralph,

Ho ho ho! Sounds like you've been a very good little boy. As a special treat, I've decided to make sure thaBURRRRRN THE HOUSE DOWN! BURRRN THE POLICE STATION AND THE SCHOOL AND THE PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL! BURRRRRRRRRRRN THEM ALL!!!!!

[(Anonymous)]

Mags,

Who's your pope?

peace,
Bono

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Bono:

Who could be a funkier pontiff than you, my would-be-role-model? I am among the top echelon of the devoted! I LOVED THE "POP" ALBUM!!

love for ever and ever,
maggie

ps. sorry about you and your BFF Paul Martin. But, y'know -- take my advice and lost his phone number as soon as you can.

[(Anonymous)]

Dearest Maggiekins,

I find your endless devotion to the Bat truly heartbreaking.

Fortunately it won't be my heart that will be breaking tonight, if you catch my drift.

Stay clear of the shadows; who knows what lunatics might be lurking there.

Crazy for you,
The Clown Prince of Crime

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Joker:

*cries in terror, attempts to hide behind toilet*

blubberingly,
maggie

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Maggie,

I'm sorry about your latest election results. You should write a scathing essay on how you lost faith in democracy, read it to the right people, and then watch it do its magic. It worked for me.

Stand up for what you believe in!

Sincerely,
Lisa Simpson

[(Anonymous)]

Note to Maggie:

Lisa smells.

Also, Learn to Fart.

Bart

PS - I hear you're taking Spanish now. Can you please tell me what a 'carumba' is? I said it accidentally the other day and dad actually noticed and suddenly, for one whole half hour he's completely obsessed and it's making mom buy lots of boxed wine again.

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Marge,

Didja get my card? I know it's for Valentines Day and that's a couple weeks away but it was cheap and I figured you like cheap things.

What about my flowers? I picked them from your front lawn, so I knew you'd like 'em.

Maybe my chocolates? I found them in the men's john the other day. They still looked mostly untouched. I only tried one, but I put it back.

Please Marge, you gotta leave Homer, I can do so much with you! For! I mean for. For you. Not with.

Oh god, I'm a loser.

Moe

(wait - you do live on Evergreen Terrace, right?)

[bossymarmalade.livejournal.com]

Dear Moe:

I am currently not in the market for dating. And, um, I won't be for the next...jillion years, because I have...an alien parasite living in my right toe, and it stipulates that I never marry, date, or look at a person whose first name begins with "m". Sorry about that.

However, I will be sending you my sister's telephone number pronto.

Best,
maggie

ps. I have enclosed your chocolates and a stomach pump. You may need the one after the other.