bossymarmalade: blue eye with lashes of red flower petals (Default)
miss maggie ([personal profile] bossymarmalade) wrote2009-03-04 11:34 pm

sees fire

Oh, Internet.

It used to be good. I thought it was good, because I didn't really know better (although I knew enough to use a pseudonym, because I am a woman of colour and I was young), and I thought you really listened. I thought we were the same.

Then you started behaving hurtfully. I suspected it was my fault, my lack of education or my colonized mindset or any number of things I've been raised to feel ashamed about, but I had to face the facts.

You were full of people who saw me as shallow, or nothing, or lacking "good faith". And I decided it was getting too hard to be with you anymore.




You see, I couldn't just decide not to have a conversation about race anymore, because it follows me home. My race issues ARE my home. Other people can pick them up when they want to look at something shiny, something exotic tasty foreign bright colourful strange exciting; they toss them around, try them on. Start to explain them to me and find different names for them, like classism and learning experience.

And then they get confused that those race issues, shiny, aren't also malleable submissive accepting pliant silent cowed controllable; they drop them, scowling, and complain that I should have warned them they might get pricked, especially as they were so well-meaning in their actions.

Well, I say, maybe you shouldn't touch things before you learn about them or know how to treat them with respect.




The funny thing is, I ended up making more friends than anything else from this fight. Because I was finally able to see that I *wasn't* alone in feeling the way I did, and even though some white "progressives" will panic and act poorly when they think they're being accused of racism, actual white allies will not. They will stick around and apologize if they've hurt me, and they won't pretend that they're the Only Brave Ones who Speak The Truth, and they'll make a real undeniable *effort* to own their privilege and not co-opt spaces in discussions that aren't about them.

I realized that how pseudonymous people act on the internet to each other is an excellent marker of their good conscience.




And the whole *other* set of friends I met? They're not golden-skinned, not exactly, but their hearts and minds are a different matter. They, like me, go home with their race issues and live them and love them and know that for all the pain there, our complex intersecting dark light in-between loud proud strong wounded eloquent issues were also a place of comfort and pleasure and beauty. When they say things I'm unsure about, I don't assume they missed something; I assume I have something to learn. I've read their joys and their laughter and found that they understand the cathartic power of mocking the wilfully ignorant, because this is (one of the many) coping strategies that chromatic people have developed, valid even if outsiders don't understand. I found that there was an entire new vocabulary opening up to me, words that felt round and sour-salt and soft in my mouth, nestling in my cheek and throat to wait until the time I'd need them.

I didn't realize how many people would listen to me speak and offer me love.




I don't make modest proposals (because I have never seen anybody appropriate Swift and do it properly).

And I would never dream of telling anybody to "let it drop" when what "it" is ... is themselves.

My good conscience is intact, because it stands in companionship with all of you. The people allowed into my space have been supportive and investigative and witty and wise, and I cherish that because I know, now, the value of safe space. As well as the value of maintaining a voice no matter what, and the way a community can hold you up when you feel all slumpy and disillusioned.

I tend to wryness more than to sentiment, dear ones, but I cannot help but feel as though this is a gorgeous moment, right here. We're having conversations. We're going to keep having them. There's a whole big internet out here for us to finally talk.

This is my voice: maggie, brown and soft and sour-salt.

I want to hear yours, now and for the longest while.




follow-up, and why i decided not to reply to comments here

[identity profile] kali921.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 04:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for posting this. Every response that you have written thus far in response to RaceFail has hit me in the gut and, in some cases, moved me to tears with simultaneously being bowled over by your gorgeous articulation. So thank you. Elizabeth Bear's latest blowhard post is absolutely horrifying; the fact that she doesn't get it after casting herself as the mediator and voice of reason is so discouraging.

(And I owe you a long overdue and extremely heartfelt apology for things that happened in 2007, but I will deal with that separately, because here and now is not the place.)
deepad: black silhouette of woman wearing blue turban against blue background (Default)

[personal profile] deepad 2009-03-05 04:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is educational satire. Takes notes.

Your brown and soft and sour-salt voice is so important to me, Maggie. ::fierce hugs::

[identity profile] cathybites.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 04:50 pm (UTC)(link)
I've known you forever, and you know how much I love your writing, both in fiction and non, and I think this is by far one of the most amazing things you've ever posted.

<333

[identity profile] ijemanja.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 04:53 pm (UTC)(link)
I could not dream up anything more perfect than this post. THANK YOU!

[identity profile] kaelie.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Lovely and eloquent, Mags. Bravo.

[identity profile] viedma.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 04:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Because I was finally able to see that I *wasn't* alone in feeling the way I did

That's one of the best feelings in the world (to me): knowing you're not alone. What a great post. I'd offer you teh Internets, but it's been a strange place these days and I really should offer you a better prezzie. :D

<3

[identity profile] laurashapiro.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:06 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you.
ext_2208: image of romaine brooks self-portrait, text "Lila Futuransky" (Default)

[identity profile] heyiya.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:15 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for posting this. Having read it directly after Bear's sickening rant, it was just the balm that was needed. I am so glad that you, and all the other fans of color who stand up again and again, are too strong to be pushed aside by the bullshit-filled people trying to silence you.

[identity profile] cesperanza.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:16 pm (UTC)(link)
This is a fantastic post, gorgeously written. Thank you.

[identity profile] beadattitude.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Over here from a link from [livejournal.com profile] ladycat777. What an incredibly loving response.

I have to say that as a lot-more-ignorant-than-I-ever-realized white girl, it's been very humbling to have my eyes opened wider and to gain more knowledge and understanding. I'm so sorry that the chain of hope and knowledge and understanding has come at the price of even more pain. Thank you for writing this.
cofax7: climbing on an abbey wall  (Default)

[personal profile] cofax7 2009-03-05 05:26 pm (UTC)(link)
God, this is beautiful. And meaningful and strong.

Thank you for sharing it.

[identity profile] esorlehcar.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:32 pm (UTC)(link)
This is gorgeous post... thanks so much.
ext_7299: (Default)

[identity profile] redbrickrose.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:37 pm (UTC)(link)
This is phenomenal. Thank you.

[identity profile] kouredios.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:44 pm (UTC)(link)
Brava. Well said.

[identity profile] handyhunter.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:45 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for writing this.
ext_6368: cherry blossoms on a tree -- with my fandom name "EntreNous" on it (Default)

[identity profile] entrenous88.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Excellent post. This is really inspiring in the ways you focus on what good can come out of continuing to wrestle with these issues that *must* be engaged, and which people cannot choose *not* to engage, and just...yes. Thank you very much for posting this.

[identity profile] leksa.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 05:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you for sharing this post.
troisroyaumes: Painting of a duck, with the hanzi for "summer" in the top left (Default)

[personal profile] troisroyaumes 2009-03-05 05:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you! I'm bookmarking this post to remind myself to stay positive and focus on the good that came out of confronting these issues.
seajules: (Default)

[personal profile] seajules 2009-03-05 06:11 pm (UTC)(link)
::wild applause::

[identity profile] dine.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 06:20 pm (UTC)(link)
oh, Maggie! again you blow me away with your power and strength and wisdom; you're an amazing woman with a really shiny brain, and I'm honoured to count you a friend and inspiration.

I read Bear's mess just a bit ago, and this is a terrific and perfect response to that self-centered 'ain't I wonderful' drivel.

keep being you, who rocks so hard

[identity profile] coraa.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 06:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you, and yes, and thank you.

[identity profile] lavendertook.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 06:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh thank you, maggie. Thank you for washing out the foul taste of the post I read before this with your beautiful words.

[identity profile] bofoddity.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
What a beautiful post. Thank you.
medie: queen elsa's grand entrance (Default)

[personal profile] medie 2009-03-05 06:35 pm (UTC)(link)
See, this, just happy sigh. If nothing else, this whole mess has given me fresh eyes to see some of the amazing (and for once, that's not a word I'm using flippantly, it's deliberately and carefully chosen), unique, and just stunning people all around me that I hadn't even known were here.

Thanks for being one of them and I'm sorry I didn't see more of it before now.

[identity profile] waywardcats.livejournal.com 2009-03-05 06:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you, awesome post.

I'm here via [livejournal.com profile] badgerbag.

Thank you especially for this:
.
You see, I couldn't just decide not to have a conversation about race anymore, because it follows me home. My race issues ARE my home. Other people can pick them up when they want to look at something shiny, something exotic tasty foreign bright colourful strange exciting; they toss them around, try them on. Start to explain them to me and find different names for them, like classism and learning experience.

And then they get confused that those race issues, shiny, aren't also malleable submissive accepting pliant silent cowed controllable; they drop them, scowling, and complain that I should have warned them they might get pricked, especially as they were so well-meaning in their actions.

Well, I say, maybe you shouldn't touch things before you learn about them or know how to treat them with respect.

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