whenever poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's poochie?"

[bossymarmalade]

silvrsolace was kind enough to lend us her Angel s5 DVDs, which we've been devouring voraciously. And y'know, there are developments that are somewhat sudden and hard to swallow (hello, Gunn), but all of that pales next to our revitalized, abject hatred of FRED. Which I would like to dissect at this point (and marej, I expect full agreement from you at least. *g*).



Okay. So I was ready to give Fred a chance this season, because as evidenced by my Sudden New Love for Marissa Cooper on The OC, my feelings are subject to change. But then she set out to prove me wrong! I could even get past her new passion for ruby-coloured lipstick and her proclivity for standing with her legs three feet apart and complete inability to wear pants or skirts that are visible under a lab coat, but she just MAKES ME HATE HER.

Example 1:
WESLEY: omg Fred I still love you so much!
SPIKE: omg Fred you're so pretty I wish I could bonk you!
WESLEY'S DAD: omg Fred you're the only thing that can win me over!
KNOX: omg Fred you're so awesome let's date!
RANDOM GUY: omg Fred I wish I could have a piece of that!

Okay, so that's not *Fred's* doing exactly, but ARRRRGH. Somewhat related:

RANDOM GUY: omg Fred I wish I could have a piece of that!
FRED: [cliched comment about how him liking women with big guns is indicative of his small manhood]

SHUT UP.

Example 2:
SPIKE: Here now, girlie--I'm only telling you this because you're a GENIUS x ELEVENTY--I keep slipping into Hell! I'm scared! Please help me!!
FRED: Whatev, I have other shit to do.
SPIKE: [disappears a lot]
ANGEL: Okay, so now we have this other problem to deal with, so Wesley, you do this and Gunn, you do that--
FRED: omg suddenly now that nobody's paying attention to me I CARE ABOUT SPIKE DEEPLY! I will signify this by making multiple DRAMATIC EXITS!
SPIKE: [reappearing all misty and terrified] Waaaaah!
FRED: Spike you HAVE TO LET ME HELP YOU! LET ME HELP YOU!!!

SHUT UP.

Example 3:
SPIKE: Angel suxxors, I can be a hero too!
FRED: Why don't I tell you all about what Angel's like? Since it's not like, y'know, he's your GRANDSIRE and you spent HUNDREDS OF YEARS doing dirty bloody badness with him.

Example 4:
ANGEL: La dee dah broodiness blah blah inner conflict
FRED: But the MISSION! I want to do GOOD! I have to remind everybody what the MISSION is because I am always RIGHT and everything I say is so SELF-RIGHTEOUS!

Example 5:
WESLEY'S DAD: [evilly pointing gun at Wesley] I'm'a shoot you, boy!
WESLEY: [not-evilly pointing gun at his dad] Go for it, bitch! I'll drop the wand-thing and the crystal will break and your plan will be shot to shit!
ANGEL: [lies on the ground between them, useless but not wounded]
FRED: [bursting in out of nowhere, because she needs to be in EVERY SCENE] oh mah GAWD what's happening here I DEMAND you tell me!
ANGEL: S'okay! Don't worry!
FRED: [drops to ground near ANGEL for NO REASON because he's not hurt and she has one arm in a SLING and is completely no help]
WESLEY'S DAD: [grabbing FRED by the hair] ha hah! I got you now, sonny-boy, because if I kill Fred you wi--
WESLEY: Bang! Bang! Bangbangbangbang!
FRED: [complete lack of remorse that she stupidly put herself in danger and caused WESLEY to kill his own father]
WESLEY: Fred rulezz! I ♥ her!

Example 6:
EVE: [tells FRED to shut her ignorant mouth]
ME: omg! I suddenly love you, EVE, even though two episodes ago I protested your existence as an extraneous and irritating "cryptic" character!

That's not really Fred's doing either. Or actually, you could argue that it's COMPLETELY Fred's doing, because she made me hate her so much that I started liking Eve!

Example 7:
FRED: [hides at snack table at office party] Ah feel so out of place at these things! I'll just hide here because I'm so SHY and ADORABLE!
LORNE: [suffering terrible migraines but working bravely through it] Hey, wallflowers! Why don't you, y'know, make an effort to act as though you're part of this company so I don't have to deprive myself of sleep and go crazy as a result?
FRED: omg YOU CALLED ME A WALLFLOWER YOU SO MEEEEEEN

Example 8:
FRED: Ah don't know if I can head up a whole department! Ah'm jes' lil' ol' me with a fluctuating Texan accent!
LAB WORKERS: [toodle around doing work]
FRED: COME ON PEOPLE!! FOCUS! I need solutions RIGHT NOW and so you need to CRACK DOWN and WORK THE PROBLEM ETC.!!
ANVIL OF FRED PROVING HER WORTH: CLANG!!
ME: Fucking OW!

Other random reasons to hate her:
- mention of her time in a cave being CA-RAAAAAZZZZYYYYYYY
- mention of her omg INSANE APPETITE wow she's so cool!
- have I mentioned yet how she stands with her legs THREE FEET APART?!?!

Now, for heaven's sake, *don't* try to convince me that there were good reasons for all of this behaviour and how Fred is actually a wonderful and complex character well deserving of adoration and a line in every single scene. We'll just argue and tire each other out. *g*