bossymarmalade | to the sickos at "modern bride" magazine

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to the sickos at "modern bride" magazine

When my sister informed me that Adam Brody and Alexis Bledel were on the cover of Teen Vogue together, she also said, "You know when they put that shimmery white eye-makeup on people? He has more of it on than *she* does!" Which, as I've found, is true. But there's also much more to the magazine. Much, MUCH more.

Within the first few pages, I come across a K-Mart ad featuring actors from

callmesandy's favouritest show in the WORLD, the one she finds "insightful" and "subtle" and claims is "the smartest writing in television today!", Seventh Heaven.

I briefly wonder if there's Seventh Heaven slash. Then a little part of me dies.

Moving on -- the magazine tells me that in real life, Rory is dating Jess, just like how Seth is dating Summer. Far out. The letters section contains the following:

Your article on Mischa Barton ["Mischa, Mischa, Fashionista," by Lauren Waterman] totally rocked...literally. You showed a different, edgier side to the sweet Marissa she plays on The O.C. - Grace Remke, Washington Island, WI

First of all; "totally rocked...literally"?!? What the fuck? Secondly: Marissa, SWEET? I feel dizzy at the mere thought. Delusional people should not be allowed to write letters, or be sold stamps. I am, however, okay with Amnah Fakieh of Houston, TX, who (unrelatedly) mentions: "I also took note of how hot Daniel Radcliffe has become." I wonder what Amnah's lj name is.

The astrology section informs me that the celebrity Virgo for this issue is one of the Little Princes, namely the scruffy red-headed one. First person to write me some William/Harry gets love forevermore.

In an article about two little American girls shopping in London, thirteen year-old Lola tells me, "London girls don't care about being perfectly put together." Her friend Lana adds with the wisdom of her fourteen years, "London style is colourful and carefree." I wonder what Capp-

fluffontop would have to say about that, but am distracted by photos of some fabulous metallic clogs. Come to me, babies.

Next up: article on Kristin Gore. I find that she used to be a staff writer on Futurama, which explains Daddy Al's multiple appearances on the show. It's all falling into place now. Also: come across ad for "Paul Mitchell's SUPER SKINNY Serum", which is guaranteed to "get smooth, shiny hair - no matter what hair type or texture you have." Hmmmm. HMMMMMM.

And now, perfumes!

- the byline for Jessica Simpson's perfume reads like word salad. "dessert beauty deliciously kissable love potion fragrance in juicy"? wtf? Isn't that the text of a spam message?

- once, one of my friends got off the bus and a teenage girl followed her and accusingly demanded, "ARE YOU WEARING GLOW BY J.LO???" My friend did not turn around and just kept walking until the breathing behind her was gone.

- So you mean that SNL skit was TRUE? "For hoopskirt box socials/regattas - Ashley! For eating free samples in the supermarket - Mary Kate!" It was all true! omg!!

- when I was in high school drama, the props room had a bottle just like that left over from the production of "Steel Magnolias". It was filled with a vile, powdery-floral concoction and we would spray it at each other as punishment when we'd been bad.

And finally! The article where Seth Cohen and Rory Gilmore go on a date. I'm only posting the most adorable pictures, which was hard to do. Because as Leela once said, in a situation completely unrelated to this in any way -- it's like if puppies and kittens had babies.

Dave and Rory on a pizza date! Bless. The article talks about Alexis eating a sandwich while being interviewed at Silverlake's House of Pies, and when a bunch of rowdy frat boys bang on the window, she "simply stifles a startled little frown." I want her and Justin to get maaaarrrrried and have flocks of tiny prim wide-eyed startled frowning sandwich-eating BABIES.

I've left in Adam's quote to be puzzled over in all its confusingness. But the best part of this entire picture is without a doubt Alexis's sparkly red shoes. Teen Vogue is really big with pushing the ballet shoes, but these ones are above and beyond, people.

Also, little Rory Gilmore is going to be a Sin City hooker. Yes, that's right -- the movie version of Frank Miller's Sin City, with Brittany Murphy, Josh Hartnett, and Benicio del Toro. The only thing that's more wonderful than this news is mention of her also being in a Bollywood musical remake of "Pride and Prejudice". I. There are no words. But if there were, they would be in Hindi and at a very high register.

Really, I'm not that much of a shoe hound. But metallics or reds are my weak spots, and -- LOOK AT HER SHOES. Dear lord above.

Adam also makes me joyous with film news; he is in that Mr. and Mrs. Smith movie where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are married assassins. My head hurts from thinking how pretty that movie will be. He also tells the following story about his newfound fame:

"A few months ago," he says with wonder, "I was in Rite Aid buying toilet paper, and I saw Queen Latifah across the aisle. And she was like" --he drops his voice to a low baritone--"'OOOOOOOOO...CCCCCCCCC!' Now that," Adam says with a deep grin, "was awesome."

For the next dozen pages, eight year-olds with legs roughly the length and diameter of adult bamboo stalks try to show me how to correctly wear the fall runway fashions. One is decked out in a construction-orange puffy jacket and blousy denim miniskirt with pleats in it; others wear socks with their high heels, embroidered velvet coats of the sort smartly-dressed grannies prefer, and throat-to-knee houndstooth tweed. The most that I have (or have ever had) in common with *any* of these girls comes from one photo where one of the horrible fresh-faced little monsters is balancing a book on her head. In Grade 7, I used to sit at my desk with the "M" volume of the class encyclopaedias on perched on my head. I was tremendously popular.

This smirksome young man is Jeremy Sumpter; you may remember him as the slightly disturbing title character in the movie Peter Pan. He is now fifteen and set to star in the new show "Clubhouse", the project of apeshit-crazy Mel Gibson about a fictional baseball team called the New York Empires (Dean Cain is also set to star). Jeremy here is their batboy. "I'll have a lot of love interests," he says. "Different girls. Sort of like The O.C." Er. Sure, honey.

After that is a shocking! revelatory! breakthrough! article about "cyberdieting". I am completely uninterested and scan through to see if they mention El Jay. They do, twice. I turn the page and am dazzled by a photograph of Scarlett Johansson's sparkly boobs, accompanying an article is about girls under eighteen getting breast implants; they quote The Lohan as having retorted, "That's so retarded," when asked if she'd had her rack installed. It also says, "Keira Knightly has said she wishes her bust had been enhanced on posters for the movie King Arthur". Now, that's just sad, because her bust WAS enhanced on the posters for King Arthur.

The article then sniffles, "While fashion magazines still laud flat-chested figures, it's getting harder to escape the tyranny of Maxim-approved mammaries." Bullshit. Fashion magazines laud sticklike, anorexic girlchildren; Maxim and its ilk approve of bigger tits on slightly older anorexic girls. It's not that big breasts are in fashion, it's that you need to be thin enough for your normal-sized breasts to look big.

Next up is some kind of spread on how private school girls the world over find sassy, sexy ways to jeuje up their school uniforms. First is a school in New York, and let me say that NONE of these girls is in what could be considered a uniform. They're all wearing the same black miniskirt, and that's IT. There's a jumble of tops in different styles and colours with absolutely no similarity. That ain't no motherfucking uniform. They also say dumbass things like "I totally started the moccasin trend at my school!" and "I don't mind wearing this skirt every day. After all, it is a mini!" I imagine each of these statements followed instantly by that particular braying, obnoxious laugh that teenage girls erupt into at the slightest opportunity.

Next up: 1) find the three homeliest girls in ALL OF JAPAN. 2) tell them all to BARE THEIR TEETH for the camera. 3) use only the stupidest things they say, such as "We even share the same haircut!!"

DONE AND DONE.

The spread finishes with the London private-school set, where Kirsty titters, "You can't miss with a pair of wellies!" and Christabel marvels, "The more I grow, the shorter my skirt gets!" Molly is the only one to offer a sensible remark, saying, "If you have to wear a uniform, make the most of it -- at least you get to sleep in a bit later!"

I refuse to believe that Tilly and Poppy trip off to Maths lessons looking like Canal Street kinderwhores. Even *if* Poppy describes her style as "urban ranger".

Just when did MK become Janis Joplin?

I also got the GQ with La Timberlake in it, so I could examine his clothes and shoes and whatnot in closer detail, but there's no need to talk about the GQ because we all know that the content is completely useless. So instead I will post this ad:

I own a gay porn flick called "Think Big II" that has pretty much this same scene in it. Except the guys weren't as nice to look at. Ah, the pitfalls of porn the world over!

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I'd be happy to link you to 7th Heaven slash, in fact, it's f/f involving Ruthie.

In fact, I might just c&p and email it to you EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS AFTER THE INSULTS YOU'VE LEVELED AT ME. heeheheheeee!

I actually used the "it's like if kittens and puppies had babies" line as a subject line of an lj post. I wish there were more futurama dvds to netflix.

In fact, I might just c&p and email it to you EVERY SINGLE HOUR OF EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS AFTER THE INSULTS YOU'VE LEVELED AT ME.

ahahahahahah! You poor thing. I'd deserve it, too! I only said it because you know I love you and I knew you wouldn't get mad at me. *mwah*

You said it because I'm the only person on lj who will admit to watching the damn show. In actual posts!

I used to watch it...when we still got the WB. I have a totally guilty love for it...so there, Maggie!

PS: I figured the stuff behind the cut was going to be all about me...Christians, Pizza, Big Boobs...

*giggle* If I threw in that strange card game (baccarat? bucco? weh?) that you're always talking about, *then* it would've been about you, darling.

*mwah*

That's Bunco...it's dice and if we find seven friends, I'll make YOU play!!! And pay, cause it's for money!!!

I forgot, the seventh heaven slash that isn't about Ruthie is about big gay Simon. because, you know.

I really love it when you review magazines. not only does it entertain me for MINUTES at a time (a record over in three second attention span land, over here) but it also assures me that I'm not missing a fucking thing by not buying magazines.

You really are not missing ANYTHING. The pictures can be just as easily found online, the content is idiotic if not downright angering, and the perfume inserts make me sneeze.

I am glad that you enjoy the reviews, though. *g*

I have that issue! I bought it because Alexis and Adam are justsocutetogether. Plus, she's got on super-cute shoes. Even non shoewhores (like you, and I) can appreciate that.

Jeremy Sumpter is only fifteen. I feel dirty thinking he's pretty.

Those shoes are like sirens, man; I just keep staring at them and going "oooooh, PRETTY" like a particularly fashion-forward zombie or something.

Jeremy Sumpter is only fifteen! I was startled. He's so damn odd and solemn and...*odd* in the interviews I've seen him in -- strangely adult, in a way. And he says that he loves attention and declares "Bring it on!!" in the article, so you can feel good about thinking he's pretty. *g*

Fuck I love you!! I'd have to quote back this entire post and have little squeeathons after every line, because YES!!! {{hugs you and your scanner}}

But for now I will only squee to myself in my office and say this:

1. LOOK AT RORY GILMORE'S SHOES!! I want her little metallic red ballet slippers. *covets*

2. I saw those 3 Japanese girls taking pictures downtown last week - I SWEAR!!! Boy they sure look uncomfortable. Poor things. (I think that first one is a guy in drag)

*smishes you again*

Heee! You are so smushalicious. *mwah*

- METALLIC RED BALLET SLIPPERS!! What could be better? WHAT IN THIS WORLD?!?!?

- That first girl has a nose like a POTATO. I mean, *really*.

Brilliant review/recap/thingie.

Poppy Pryde is so the name of my next album. rawk.

And also DAVEandRORY OMGtheyaresocute. Now I'm worried that Lane will be jealous, and that's just crazytalk.

Mary-Kate as Janis is just freaky. And a little creepy. I'll just be over hear in a corner pretending it didn't happen, mmkay?

Tilly Standing and Poppy Pryde! I can hardly believe those are their REAL NAMES. Can you imagine? I'd take every opportunity to use my full name if I had one of those!

Now I'm worried that Lane will be jealous, and that's just crazytalk.

Hee! But at least Lane wouldn't be likely to attack Rory; Summer from The OC just might, though. *g*

Mary-Kate as Janis is just freaky. And a little creepy. I'll just be over hear in a corner pretending it didn't happen, mmkay?

I think that's a very wise idea. I think I'm going to do likewise. *shudder*

Tilly Standing and Poppy Pryde! I can hardly believe those are their REAL NAMES.
Well, if I was going to appear in an international magazine dressed like that, I don't think I'd be giving my real name so maybe they're made up. *g*

I know even as I type this, that just by *thinking* it, I'm dead to you ;)

if justin even started dating that rory chick I'd out-dogface and out-cowmeron the cameron haters ;) Nooooo. Stick with rude older women, Jup!

You're INSANE. He was so happy with Britney!! He may love getting with the older ladies *now*, but for marriage and babies, he needs somebody dainty and tiny who he can love and protect and feel like a big strong man around. She's smart and adorable and eats like MAD! And doesn't make a living by waggling her half-nekkid ass about and getting cum in her hair!!!

*weeps*

hey now, I was just fine for marriage and babies, and I'm almost a decade older than my sweetie. And not dainty or tiny either! LOL! (though cum in my hair? ugh.)

I'm not so much supporting the cam, as I am not-supporting the ror. ;)

*g* I'm not objecting to non-fawnlike women wedding and having babies, I'm just saying that for *Justin* I strongly shove towards him getting with somebody teensy and cute. As opposed to creepy and frightening, which is what I consider his current chickadee (or wishful-thinking chickadees) to be. Janet freaks the hell out of me, yo!

Britney & Justin 4 EVA! If Chris is unavailable, that is. *g*

britney.... spears? and Justin? Oy. Worse!

My choices for Justin are all Kellys. Kelly Osborne, Kelly... shit. That American Idol chick. and Kelly Rowland. Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson. Yeah. Any of those three would be cool :)

And doesn't make a living by waggling her half-nekkid ass about and getting cum in her hair!!!

Well, now, we don't know what exactly this season of Gilmore Girls is going to bring yet, so... don't speak too soon. ;)

(Ugh, I think I just made myself sick by thinking about that.)

ahahahaah! You're right. Rory might just go all wild on us and start partying with Snoop and stuff!

And finally! The article where Seth Cohen and Rory Gilmore go on a date. I'm only posting the most adorable pictures, which was hard to do. Because as Leela once said, in a situation completely unrelated to this in any way -- it's like if puppies and kittens had babies.

The clothes that they put Alexis in are just atrocious. I know retro is in these days, but ugh! Those are downright awful! However, the severe hotness of Adam Brody (Daaaaave! I miss you, Dave Rygalski! Miss you more than Lane!) more than makes up for it.

They'd make a really cute couple. Even more cute than Alexis and Milo Ventimiglia.

The clothes were horrendous. But then, I find that *most* of the clothes they put models in for magazines are awful and illogical. At least she had the red shoes of much marvellousness to make up for it!

They'd make a really cute couple. Even more cute than Alexis and Milo Ventimiglia.

Puppies and kittens, man. *g*

Your review is twice the content at a fraction of the cost. ^^ I love to read your reviews, because they're always so honest and entertaining. You save us from the waste of time, money and bordem, and supply us with wit, humor and theory. ;p Keep 'em coming.

*giggle* I'm so glad you enjoy them! Mostly, they happen because I am bound and determined to get my money's worth out of the magazines -- and if that means tearing them to pieces for all the friendslist to see and hopefully be amused by, more's the better. *g*

Indeed.

Thanks for saving me the trouble of hunting down this magazine myself.
You've made it way more entertaining than it probably was.

Has the GQ made it to news stands here already? We usually have to wait yonks for the Canadian version.
Much with the pretty yes?

Little Rory and her Little Shoes. She and La Lac-du-bois are fetishly connected me thinks.

I think those three Japanese gals are starting next week in 2D. I'll introduce you.

I found the GQ at London Drugs, so it's probably at yours as well. It's a huge issue, too -- thick as hell and chock-full of pretentiousness! *g*

She and La Lac-du-bois

ahahaahahahah! His FRENCH NAME! Oh, that's the most marvelous thing ever. I bet he would like toast and maple syrup, too.

I think those three Japanese gals are starting next week in 2D. I'll introduce you.

...dude. I choked on my spit, laughing so hard.

*snoogle*

toast and maple syrup

Mmmmmm!!! I'm convinces he and me should be related.

...and speaking about those Japanese people.
What's wrong with the one on the left.
Did one of the other two let a cute litte anime fart rip right that moment.

Oh the funny! You need to review magazines more often. *g*

*g* Mostly, I just buy Martha Stewart, so there's not much to mock. These only come about on speshul occasions. Hee!

Teen People is much more fun when you read it.

Teen Vogue, my darling. In the letters page, they were VERY CAREFUL to give prominent space to a letter that congratulated them at length for not only covering topics that real teens were interested in, but also in doing WHAT VOGUE DOES BEST, as in "giving us fashion tips instead of sex tips."

Although, it would be pretty hilarious if you sent them a wonderful letter going on and on about how much you love their magazine, and then call them "Teen People" at the very end. ahahahaha!

That would be fabulous.

*resists*

Though, I'm pretty sure the exact same pictures are in the last Teen People, too.

God, isn't the kinderwhore uniform trend DEAD already? Kids, you're one step away from turning tricks. Either do it or wear something that comes down to your fucking knees, and spare us all the headache.

Dude, y'KNOW? I understand young girls needing to explore their sexuality and all, but really now. Do we need to glamourize it? Teen Vogue, I'm looking in your direction!!

This amused me SO MUCH. Thank you, dahling. Also, I kind of like Janis!MK. It's cute when small animals try to be badass. That SNL skit was beautiful - for days afterwards whenever I was bored or annoyed, I would think to myself, Spear fishig - Mary Kate! Knee surgery - Ashley! and all would be well again.

It's cute when small animals try to be badass

*giggle* That episode of SNL went a looooong way towards me liking the MKA. They sure were cute on it, man, especially curled up and petulant on that couch in their little pigtails. Hee!

OMG you actually bought it!!

Cicone/Cicone, man. Jon's in heaven.

three homeliest girls in ALL OF JAPAN

BWAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AS IF I COULD RESIST. I bought Timberlake in the GQ and a double helping of Cicone! All is right in Jon's world.

BWAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dude, I'm just surprised they ain't wearing diapers.

PS Hiroshi thinks that Tilly is super-hot.

And Jon wants to have flocks of tiny prim wide-eyed startled frowning sandwich-eating BABIES.

Hahahaha!

I especially love that young Poppy said "Mix in street elements so you don't look too foolish on the subway ride home." It made me giggle. Because she's wearing Justin's cast off bling! And a shirt made from Dorothy's skirt! And an old sock around her wrist! No no dear, we wouldn't want to look too foolish on the subway now would we?

You made me laugh so hard I'm DIZZY! ahahahahaah! Poor misguided Poppy; I snickered uncharitably at her bling as well, and I do so love the hat perched on her head like a big stripey popover! The people who share her subway ride home must look forward to seeing her - lord knows she'd brighten *my* day. Hee!

First person to write me some William/Harry gets love forevermore.

Prince Harry/William slash is the best idea EVER. It's one of those things you didn't know was missing from your life until you JUST mentioned it. Even though the full-blown incest may be thwarted by Harry not sharing the same father with William, *nudge, nudge, hint, hint* And Justin should be thrown into the mix too, for prosperity.

Also, it's all lies: London is not colourful and carefree. And everyone is terribly pressure to be perfectly put together. But we have nice shoes.

I already have your love forevermore so I didn't try very hard. Mostly I was just amused and wanted to use a line about royal inbreeding.

The thing that worried him most was how easy it was to rationalize.

William tipped his head back and bit into his lip. His hand moved across silk sheets to weave through hair that was redder and coarser than his own. Harry, resting gently against William's chest, pratically purred with enjoyment.

Being royalty meant that you did a lot of things differently than the rest of the world, William knew. Also being perhaps the most well-educated boy in the UK, he knew his history and he could name at least three princes who were poufs and he could talk at length about how the royal line was started and maintained by inbreeding. Which wasn't exactly what was going on here, of course.

But, when he combined all of that with the way Harry actually listened to William when he talked and the way he expected an apology when William was a prat and didn't just write it off as the way things should be, it felt like something that was supposed to happen. And at the moment, with the way Harry's fingers were ghosting over William's hipbone it was all just too easy to rationalize. So William rolled them over and chalked it up to a royal privledge he wasn't entirely sure he still believed in.

Hmmm...the Olsen twins icon feels MOST appropriate here.

I saw a William VS Harry VH1 thing today and thought, "holy FUCK I never replied to that bit of princeslash k wrote me! I am such a fucking RETARD!" And now here I am. *g*

And holy jesus, this is *perfect*, from the mention of Harry's fascinatingly red scrub of hair to William's impeccable breeding, down to the fact that he can find *precedents* for their behaviour! And that Harry's the one in the world who treats him like a person, and ooooh, it's just so wonderful. Precisely what I wanted, but what else should I have expected from you? Thank you thank you thank you!

I already have your love forevermore

You fuckin' got that right. Heh!

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to the sickos at "modern bride" magazine

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Y'had me giggling from the get go.

Re: Y'had me giggling from the get go.

Re: Y'had me giggling from the get go.

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