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bossymarmalade) wrote2003-12-02 02:01 pm
bossymarmalade) wrote2003-12-02 02:01 pm
Entry tags:
he's just a poor kid from the stupid ages
So, yesterday night (at least in Canada) was The OC. Which I have fallen headfirst into watching and no denying it, much due to the enabling of Sandy and Amber, those crazy girls. So here, in case you would like it, is my
- I miss the first two minutes because I was watching MXC on the Spike Network, but from what I gather it's Christmukkah at the Cohen household. This means glee! from Seth, amused tolerance from Sandy and Kirsten, and sheer terror from Ryan. Christmas in Chino meant a banner fuckin' year at the old Atwood family. Ryan got a carton of cigarettes and the old man grabbed him and said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" Oh, no, wait -- wrong movie.
- Unfortunately, evil old Caleb with his heart three sizes too small is set on ruining the holidays, because he's demanding more money in whateverthehell the case is between him and Sandy. So Sandy's going to be working all holiday. Caleb sucks. And yet he fascinates, because he is obviously unwholesomely impervious to the power of Sandy's eyebrows.
- Seth has invited both fish-lipped Summer and scary-pink-cheeked Anna to his grandfather's big society Christmas bash. He decides they should all meet there as opposed to going together, an announcement which makes Summer pout and Anna do her stupid head-waggle. Represent, bitch.
- Ryan moans to Marissa that he has to go to the mall and do some Christmas shopping, since the Cohens are obviously buying him prezzies. The living calavera invites herself along, simpering something about how he shouldn't attempt shopping there unsupervised. They go shopping and there's tinkly music shots of Marissa trying on fugly pink stilettos and doing...other...stuff that I don't remember because the smile pasted under her dead, dead eyes made me shut down in a ploy of self-preservation. Basically what happens is -- they spend all their time prancing around this high-end store that Ryan can't afford anything in, so they leave empty-handed. Or DO they? A guard stops them at the car and it turns out Marissa's purse is loaded with stolen swag. She Winonas weakly against the car for a moment while Ryan is shocked and I am not.
- Marissa then gets yelled at a lot by her mom. This was really frightening, because Julie screeches, "MaRISSaaaa!" in the exact same way my mother does. (Yes, yes, the truth comes out -- the real reason I hate the ambulatory bone structure is because we share the same name. Shut up.) Julie is sending Bones to therapy; she doesn't want to go. Julie brooks no refusal. I am, frankly, glad to see it, because Jimmy's hopeful dithering sucks. I didn't care for Tate Donovan in Memphis Belle, I hated him as a Kellerman brother in Homicide, and I don't like him here.
- Ryan bobbles around in the pool house while Seth sits on Ryan's bed and assembles presents for his honeys, which are the same thing for each girl; he lists off a bunch of things and all I catch are "Death Cab" and "Kavalier and Clay". Sounds cutie. Ryan doesn't think it's a stellar idea, but what does he know? Seth's got two hot mammas and Ryan has a loosely-strung together set of jawbones and eyebrow ridges in a short skirt. Anyhow, Seth has a present for Ryan, too -- a big stocking with Ryan's name on it like the rest of the family has. Awwww. I like when boys give each other presents. Especially ones that make the recipient smile shyly.
- Kirsten, meanwhile, has informed Daddy Warbucks that she's taking Christmas off; he is aghast at the idea. Boy, the holidays must've been fun when Kirsten was growing up. Anyhow, she goes through a bunch of old account reciepts or something and finds a survey of The Heights (the land Caleb's suing Sandy's client for, or whatever) commissioned by her father that reveals that the Heights are completely geological ly unsound. Or something. Really, I don't give a fuck about real estate and these issues are secondary to the happy!dysfunctional!family! stuff for me. But rest assured, it's bad news -- for CALEB, that is!
- All dressed up, Seth waits around for everybody else to get ready; the doorbell rings, and, you guessed it -- it's pinkface Anna, looking a little less raddled with Mary Kay rosacea than usual. She slurs something at Seth about how they could go together and Summer need never know, except, uh-oh -- the doorbell rings and it's, of course, Summer. Both girls are pissed, and Seth decides they can all go together. With his parents. Seth is the coolest boy on his block, ever since that kid who spat when he talked moved away.
- Ryan, meanwhile, is tenderly clasping some (probably stolen) jewelry around the neckbones of his girl and hinting that maybe therapy would be good for her. She goes absolutely apeshit at this and suspiciously sends him upstairs to get her "wrap" (boy, Ryan's gullible. It's a good thing he got hauled out of Chino when he did, or he'd be reprising Tobias Beecher faster than he could say "i got fucked in the ass") while she hauls a flask of vodka from the bar cabinet and jams it in her purse. She's all set for the party now, thanks.
- At the Party, Anna gives Seth her gift, which is a little handmade comic book about Seth and Captain Oats. It's kind of cute, even if I want Anna to fall off a wall and hurt her spine so she has to wear a neck-brace that prevents her from ever doing the head-waggle again. But Summer, not to be outdone, drags Seth to a secluded room and reveals her Christmukkah present for him -- herself! In a Wonder Woman costume! Maybe it's because I love WW, but suddenly Summer becomes a lot less objectionable. She lassos Seth with her magic Lasso of Truth, but then find the comic in his pocket and is mortified that her present was so full of the ho in comparison. Jelly-neck Anna bursts in and is mortified that Summer looks so hot and her present was so childish. They leave him there, declaring that he must choose one of them. It's not a good time in the House of Seth tonight.
- Sandy, meanwhile, corners Caleb and manaically waves the report at him, forcing Caleb to capitulate and sell The Heights back to Sandy for a dollar. It's all very theatrical and twee, but that's fine because Sandy is smirking a lot and that's a good damn look for him. Kirsten's so proud of her man!
- Skelly has a minor meltdown when Julie harasses her to be more social, goes and locks herself in the bathroom, and downs half her vodka. I must say the way Mischa Barton drank that coke was one of the most awkward-looking things I've ever seen; it's almost like she was waiting for the anorexia jokes to begin. Anyhow, fortified by liquid potato courage, she reels drunkenly back out and starts smooching Ryan, who tastes the Russian on her breath, thank god. She freaks the fuck out and runs off and tries to drive away, but he manages to get in the car with her.
They drive drive drive, Ryan sulking and Mr. Bones doing...something. God bless my brain for creating a mental block where she's concerned! Anyhow, she hauls out her flask again and Ryan screeches like that girl in high school who got stuck ferrying you and your drunk friends around on Friday nights and was convinced one of you was going to yak in her new Cabriolet. Marissa uselessly drops the bottle cap just as red-and-blues flash behind them. She jams the open bottle between her feet as the cop comes up and asks Ryan for his license. There's a moment of Drama when the cop shines his torch lingeringly over the protruding kneecaps of Miss Thang, but then he's called away to a more important crime.
Ryan blows a gasket, slams the door a few times, throws the bottle into the distance where it lands in a preschool playground, and hollers at Marissa for making this Christmas a drunken shambolic lawless mess, just like every other Christmas he's been through. Marissa is remorseful. Or she's experiencing severe lower intestinal gas, I can't quite tell from her expression. They go home.
- Seth decides to just be friends with both of the girls. They both decide they don't want "just friends" from him, and give him his matching Christmukkah gifts back. Don't tell me you didn't see that coming, Cohen. Anyhow, now that Sandy has The Heights and Kirsten's figuratively bitch-slapped her father, the senior Cohens are in a good mood and are going to rent movies in the spirit of the season. Ryan, dutiful femur-whipped boyfriend that he is, intends to go with Boneface to her therapy session; Sandy (bless his heart) talks the kid out of it. Sadly, this is followed by Sandy doing a Stallone impression, which is something I never want to see again in my life. Kind of like Harrison Ford getting "sexy" in Hollywood Homicide. *shudder*
Sandy and Kirsten smile benevolently as Ryan painstakingly hangs his stocking up on the mantle, on the hook that Seth optimistically installed for him. Seeing as Ryan resembles nothing more than a golden retriever puppy, this moment could get pretty saccharine; it is, in fact, curtailed for a shot of the Cohen family Christmukkah card, which is all four of them smiling adorably. My veins fill with sugar and I die.
- I miss the first two minutes because I was watching MXC on the Spike Network, but from what I gather it's Christmukkah at the Cohen household. This means glee! from Seth, amused tolerance from Sandy and Kirsten, and sheer terror from Ryan. Christmas in Chino meant a banner fuckin' year at the old Atwood family. Ryan got a carton of cigarettes and the old man grabbed him and said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" Oh, no, wait -- wrong movie.
- Unfortunately, evil old Caleb with his heart three sizes too small is set on ruining the holidays, because he's demanding more money in whateverthehell the case is between him and Sandy. So Sandy's going to be working all holiday. Caleb sucks. And yet he fascinates, because he is obviously unwholesomely impervious to the power of Sandy's eyebrows.
- Seth has invited both fish-lipped Summer and scary-pink-cheeked Anna to his grandfather's big society Christmas bash. He decides they should all meet there as opposed to going together, an announcement which makes Summer pout and Anna do her stupid head-waggle. Represent, bitch.
- Ryan moans to Marissa that he has to go to the mall and do some Christmas shopping, since the Cohens are obviously buying him prezzies. The living calavera invites herself along, simpering something about how he shouldn't attempt shopping there unsupervised. They go shopping and there's tinkly music shots of Marissa trying on fugly pink stilettos and doing...other...stuff that I don't remember because the smile pasted under her dead, dead eyes made me shut down in a ploy of self-preservation. Basically what happens is -- they spend all their time prancing around this high-end store that Ryan can't afford anything in, so they leave empty-handed. Or DO they? A guard stops them at the car and it turns out Marissa's purse is loaded with stolen swag. She Winonas weakly against the car for a moment while Ryan is shocked and I am not.
- Marissa then gets yelled at a lot by her mom. This was really frightening, because Julie screeches, "MaRISSaaaa!" in the exact same way my mother does. (Yes, yes, the truth comes out -- the real reason I hate the ambulatory bone structure is because we share the same name. Shut up.) Julie is sending Bones to therapy; she doesn't want to go. Julie brooks no refusal. I am, frankly, glad to see it, because Jimmy's hopeful dithering sucks. I didn't care for Tate Donovan in Memphis Belle, I hated him as a Kellerman brother in Homicide, and I don't like him here.
- Ryan bobbles around in the pool house while Seth sits on Ryan's bed and assembles presents for his honeys, which are the same thing for each girl; he lists off a bunch of things and all I catch are "Death Cab" and "Kavalier and Clay". Sounds cutie. Ryan doesn't think it's a stellar idea, but what does he know? Seth's got two hot mammas and Ryan has a loosely-strung together set of jawbones and eyebrow ridges in a short skirt. Anyhow, Seth has a present for Ryan, too -- a big stocking with Ryan's name on it like the rest of the family has. Awwww. I like when boys give each other presents. Especially ones that make the recipient smile shyly.
- Kirsten, meanwhile, has informed Daddy Warbucks that she's taking Christmas off; he is aghast at the idea. Boy, the holidays must've been fun when Kirsten was growing up. Anyhow, she goes through a bunch of old account reciepts or something and finds a survey of The Heights (the land Caleb's suing Sandy's client for, or whatever) commissioned by her father that reveals that the Heights are completely geological ly unsound. Or something. Really, I don't give a fuck about real estate and these issues are secondary to the happy!dysfunctional!family! stuff for me. But rest assured, it's bad news -- for CALEB, that is!
- All dressed up, Seth waits around for everybody else to get ready; the doorbell rings, and, you guessed it -- it's pinkface Anna, looking a little less raddled with Mary Kay rosacea than usual. She slurs something at Seth about how they could go together and Summer need never know, except, uh-oh -- the doorbell rings and it's, of course, Summer. Both girls are pissed, and Seth decides they can all go together. With his parents. Seth is the coolest boy on his block, ever since that kid who spat when he talked moved away.
- Ryan, meanwhile, is tenderly clasping some (probably stolen) jewelry around the neckbones of his girl and hinting that maybe therapy would be good for her. She goes absolutely apeshit at this and suspiciously sends him upstairs to get her "wrap" (boy, Ryan's gullible. It's a good thing he got hauled out of Chino when he did, or he'd be reprising Tobias Beecher faster than he could say "i got fucked in the ass") while she hauls a flask of vodka from the bar cabinet and jams it in her purse. She's all set for the party now, thanks.
- At the Party, Anna gives Seth her gift, which is a little handmade comic book about Seth and Captain Oats. It's kind of cute, even if I want Anna to fall off a wall and hurt her spine so she has to wear a neck-brace that prevents her from ever doing the head-waggle again. But Summer, not to be outdone, drags Seth to a secluded room and reveals her Christmukkah present for him -- herself! In a Wonder Woman costume! Maybe it's because I love WW, but suddenly Summer becomes a lot less objectionable. She lassos Seth with her magic Lasso of Truth, but then find the comic in his pocket and is mortified that her present was so full of the ho in comparison. Jelly-neck Anna bursts in and is mortified that Summer looks so hot and her present was so childish. They leave him there, declaring that he must choose one of them. It's not a good time in the House of Seth tonight.
- Sandy, meanwhile, corners Caleb and manaically waves the report at him, forcing Caleb to capitulate and sell The Heights back to Sandy for a dollar. It's all very theatrical and twee, but that's fine because Sandy is smirking a lot and that's a good damn look for him. Kirsten's so proud of her man!
- Skelly has a minor meltdown when Julie harasses her to be more social, goes and locks herself in the bathroom, and downs half her vodka. I must say the way Mischa Barton drank that coke was one of the most awkward-looking things I've ever seen; it's almost like she was waiting for the anorexia jokes to begin. Anyhow, fortified by liquid potato courage, she reels drunkenly back out and starts smooching Ryan, who tastes the Russian on her breath, thank god. She freaks the fuck out and runs off and tries to drive away, but he manages to get in the car with her.
They drive drive drive, Ryan sulking and Mr. Bones doing...something. God bless my brain for creating a mental block where she's concerned! Anyhow, she hauls out her flask again and Ryan screeches like that girl in high school who got stuck ferrying you and your drunk friends around on Friday nights and was convinced one of you was going to yak in her new Cabriolet. Marissa uselessly drops the bottle cap just as red-and-blues flash behind them. She jams the open bottle between her feet as the cop comes up and asks Ryan for his license. There's a moment of Drama when the cop shines his torch lingeringly over the protruding kneecaps of Miss Thang, but then he's called away to a more important crime.
Ryan blows a gasket, slams the door a few times, throws the bottle into the distance where it lands in a preschool playground, and hollers at Marissa for making this Christmas a drunken shambolic lawless mess, just like every other Christmas he's been through. Marissa is remorseful. Or she's experiencing severe lower intestinal gas, I can't quite tell from her expression. They go home.
- Seth decides to just be friends with both of the girls. They both decide they don't want "just friends" from him, and give him his matching Christmukkah gifts back. Don't tell me you didn't see that coming, Cohen. Anyhow, now that Sandy has The Heights and Kirsten's figuratively bitch-slapped her father, the senior Cohens are in a good mood and are going to rent movies in the spirit of the season. Ryan, dutiful femur-whipped boyfriend that he is, intends to go with Boneface to her therapy session; Sandy (bless his heart) talks the kid out of it. Sadly, this is followed by Sandy doing a Stallone impression, which is something I never want to see again in my life. Kind of like Harrison Ford getting "sexy" in Hollywood Homicide. *shudder*
Sandy and Kirsten smile benevolently as Ryan painstakingly hangs his stocking up on the mantle, on the hook that Seth optimistically installed for him. Seeing as Ryan resembles nothing more than a golden retriever puppy, this moment could get pretty saccharine; it is, in fact, curtailed for a shot of the Cohen family Christmukkah card, which is all four of them smiling adorably. My veins fill with sugar and I die.
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And I'm sorry about the Marissa thing. Seriously. That sucks bad because Bones is so the most boring thing ever. But I can't wait to see the angry door slamming, because I've been looking forward to dysfunctional!angry!Ryan since I first read that spoiler.
And Sandy! His eyebrows. Sometimes, you know, Sandy gets sad when people talk about Baltimore. His eyes are wistful and he thinks of how much season 7 of Homicide sucked, except his storyline.
You rock with these recaps!
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Bones really and truly bores me to tears. I have to avert my eyes when she's kissing Ryan because I just can't handle the sight of it. It makes me feel like kittens are dying somewhere.
Poor Sandy! He loves his new life, but he misses cooking at The Zodiac and kissing Tim Bayliss. And who could blame him?
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Dude, that Ryan can kiss, you're missing something. I made
Let Amber send you ep 6 "The Girlfriend" - he makes out with Caleb's previous girlfriend and she is not Bones or boney.
Sandy, sometimes he cooks and thinks about Tim. And Jimmy comes over and talks about his brother, Kellerman, and his sad fate. And then they clam up when the kids come in the room, but Sandy is still sad.
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you better post this kind of reviews from now on after every show, so that i can justify ...er something.
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arrrrrgh! It hurts us, precious!
Also, muahahahhha. You should start watching the show, man. It's like watching 90210 or something -- you know it's bad, and you see the badness coming, and yet you can't help but love it with all your heart. Hee!
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Looooooooook at the pretty! Look up at the pretty!
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ahahaha, that's my girl. that's my approach to things, man.
but it's duuuuumb. though that summer sure is pretty. i don't really dig Ryan all that much, 'cause his atrocious haircut makes me want to like spit on my palm and get that damn hair out of his eyes. Seth is cute dork tho. Also, Ms. Anorexia is ineed terrible.
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And I can pretty much promise that any OC I write will feature very very little Marissa. :)
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And now I don't have to be tempted to watch it. Thanks!
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But, then I actually read the recap just for kicks and I was highly amused. You're a talented chick.
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And dude, the show is crack. Pure cheap wonderful crack. I'm glad you got a kick out the review even without having seen it. *g*
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I hate Marissa too! lol Bones. That killed me!
Is it not like the best show ever?! lol
*muahs*
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*weeps*
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I have never agreed with you more!!! I've said from the beginning that she can't act to save her life!! Make her go away Critter! Pleeeeeeeease!
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Well, we're free of her for one week, at least. All too sadly, she will only spring up again in next week's episode. Oh, the painnnn! Poor Orli. *snuggle*
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I wish Joanne on TWoP (the OC recapper) would bring the snark like this. Her snark is no snark at all. It's frightening.