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bossymarmalade) wrote2005-02-15 09:22 am
bossymarmalade) wrote2005-02-15 09:22 am
Entry tags:
PAIN IS NOT THE CLEANSER
I meant to say this a few days ago, but now that JC has proven his innate vanity to me by liking his Scooby-Doo appearance better than his Simpsons one? Very heartening. Especially after that ugly, ugly beard and coiffed hair. Good show, Mssr. Chasez!
Last night's Everwood was enjoyable, as important things happened and Andy...well, he didn't exactly redeem himself, but whatever. The end result is what I wanted anyhow. And Amanda made me hate her even MORE by actually calling somebody a "buttmunch".
Anyhow, I think my new favourite person in the whole wide world is
So! The 7th Heaven musical. As soon as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
callmesandy told me that this was going to happen, I knew it would be the best thing ever put on film. And I've seen Cool as Ice *and* The Worst Witch.
The show opened with a lackluster rendition of "Love is Sweeping the Country", with Kevin woodenly delivering his one line (a blessing, as I would later learn), RevCam somehow seeming smug and pointless at the *same time*, Annie braying, Ruthie making gutteral noises, and worst of all, SamVid saying the word "sexes". I decided in that moment that I never, ever, EVER wanted to hear those horrible little monsters say anything to do with sex EVER again. Which, really, came as no surprise.
And what a day in the CamPound! The Rev sneaks away from Annie, who apparently sleeps in full makeup. How Christian is *that*, you painted harlot?!? He goes downstairs and bobbles about uselessly before engaging in some sort of long, tedious interaction with the twins wherein he declares that he's planning a French picnic basket dinner for Annie, but first he's gonna make some bacon. Um, eiw. Yes I know he meant *real* bacon, but still eiw. They get nothing done and then Annie comes galumphing downstairs and denies the Rev his bacon. Disgusting. Bacon is what led to his heart attack, so he can't have any more bacon again EVER.
Ruthie hates Valentine's Day! She meanders around school, which apparently has been turned into a kissing den of iniquity by virtue of the date. In all my years of school I've never seen so many couples canoodling; Glenoak must have a hella teenage pregnancy rate. Anyhow, she tells Martin that she's pissed because Vincent didn't call her for three days. Whatever. I don't care about that. The real excitement begins when Ruthie starts to sing, because she's using this strange affected low growl that sounds like a cat who's gotten tangled in yarn and has given up on life, resigned to just lying there haplessly and moaning in defeat. Ruthie sexes down the hallway, sits in a window ledge and flings herself from side to side like she's on the bridge of the Enterprise, then gets up and wiggles down the hall again, all the while performing her bizarre rendition of "Nice Work if You Can Get It" which really has kind of no bearing at all on what's happening. For the last verse, she pauses in the doorway and wobbles her ass from side to side! She so bootylicious! She makes that jelly touch the ground! Have you ever seen little four year-olds trying to do "sexy" dances? That kind of unbalanced teeter-totter motion they do with their midsections? Miss Ruthie Diva Britches has that down COLD, yo. I love her, I can't help it. She's so awful.
Then! Lucy whines and whines and tries to pout adorably because Kevin needs to go to work.
KEVIN: I need to go earn money for the baby and that new house we just bought!
LUCY: Well I know we've paid off the house and we have money, so you should blow off work and stay home with me!! Waaaaah!
Urm. Weh? Lucy whinges about how it's Kevin's fault they have the baby and the house, because he got her pregnant and bought the house. I don't know how logic works in Lucy-world, but it looks like it hurts. Kevin, probably desperate to escape, puts on his cop uniform and launches into "You Were Meant for Me", determined to make every note sound exactly like the last. I only recognized these songs at ALL because I know the lyrics. Lucy watches him and scrunches her face into various dyspeptic patterns, because ha ha boys are so silly. Kevin thankfully finishes his number by bawling "just...forrrr...MEEEEEEEE!" and seriously, it's the closest he's been to being on-key. He should've just shouted the whole song. They stare awkwardly at each other. He leaves.
Annie finds that since 7th Heaven leaves no good cliche unturned, the Rev has thrown in his red socks with the white laundry. They then have some pointless idiot argument about the red socks, and whether or not he's the one who likes them because he's always wearing them or she's the one who likes them because she always gets him a pair on Valentine's Day. This goes on FOREVER. I start praying for a song to break up the monotony, but there's really no point since this kind of exciting plotline is the kind of thing that the show spends ages on even if it's NOT a musical. They argue and Annie hates the dirty dishes in the sink and RevCam retreats to the church.
In between the thrilling all-singing, all-dancing numbers, Simon kisses his ugly girlfriend. Lori wants to know if it's a drag queen; I honestly don't know what to tell her. Dragfriend wants to go to Glenoak RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW and meet Simon's family. Simon looks distressed, but gives in, because what the hell else is a Camden man gonna do. Kevin is at work getting harassed by his boss, who practically forces him to order flowers for Lucy; naturally, none of the florists have roses. It takes till, like, the fifth nix before Kevin starts asking for flowers other than red roses. It's a good thing Glenoak has no crime, because I'd be scared.
RevCam sits in his office, covered in boredom. He picks up a glamour shot of Annie--complete with coy head-tilt and a shaft of heavenly light falling across her shoulder--and busts out into his best Gene Kelly impersonation version of "You Are My Lucky Star". Out of everybody who's sung so far, he's the best one, but he doesn't hit that high note at the end. Wuss. Ruthie talks to Vincent, who reasonably says that she could've called *him* if she felt like it. Ruthie prances off in a huff.
Annie goes out to the Promenade or some other open air place, whatever the fuck they have in Glenoak, and she spots Simon and Dragfriend sucking face on a bench. Simon then deserts Dragfriend to go to the bookstore (WTF?!?!?) and Annie sits down next to the girl and tells her that Simon's a big fat hoebag and she better think about it before she puts out for such a D-O-G DAWG. Annie's alternative sex partner for Dragfriend is Jesus, which she elaborates upon by caterwauling "The Man Upstairs" and pointing repeatedly at a certain patch of sky. Hallucinogenic lecture over, Annie goes about her business and Simon slinks back out of the bookstore. Dragfriend says she met his mom and oh, THE TRUTH COMES OUT: Simon's not even surprised! I guess Simon went into that bookstore to HIDE FROM ANNIE! That fucking rulezzz. Dragfriend pitches a fit and wants to be taken home *right* *now*, thank you. Way to salt Simon's game, Annie.
RevCam goes to the French bakery for his pic-a-nic basket (you can tell it's French because there's a picture of the Eiffel Tower on the door. also, it's emblazoned over a French flag. also, the place is called "Frenchie's"); but alas! It closed at 2 pm. You fucked up, RevCam. And so did Kevin, because he couldn't find any flowers. Oh, it's hilarious hijinks in Glenoak tonight, because it's so funny that Valentine's Day only matters to women and men continually screw it up! I've never SEEN such fresh, groundbreaking material!!
...okay, I'm being unfair. I shouldn't expect anything but cliche from 7th Heaven; that's what makes it so good, after all. Anyhow, the show makes up EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED SO FAR to me by having Ruthie go watch Martin and Mac play baseball. Because then Vincent shows up and busts out into "Acc-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" and it's the most GLORIOUS THING I expect to EVER see on this show, because he fucking works it like he's up for a Tony nomination. The boy does high kicks, he does wiggly-hipped dance moves, he fucking TEARS IT UP on that baseball field while the rest of the team flips him around starlet-style and Martin and Mac hoist him on their shoulders. He's Vera Ellen! He's Esther Williams! He's a STAR!!
It's interesting to note that Martin performs this entire scene with a frozen grimace of bemused horror on his face.
Annie brings her monsters home and they run around screeching about how they ate fifty frillion cupcakes and now they're doped on sugar. Annie throws them into the backyard with the dog and engages in that time-honoured motherly tradition, Surveying the Mess in the Kitchen and Muttering to Herself about How Hard She Has It. Lucy rolls on in and wants to make cupcakes, or something. Who the fuck cares, really. Annie pours a few gallons of bleach onto the ruined laundry. Somewhere in all this, that girl who told everybody that Martin bonked her (as IF!) wants to spend time with him; when they cut to the scene of them sitting on the sofa, she's turned seductively towards him and Martin looks, I swear to God, like he's been sitting facing front and staring blankly at the wall this whole time. I don't know where this storyline is going and it's really stupid, so this is the only time I'll mention it.
More boring idiotic stuff happens to wrap up the episode--Vincent brings Ruthie a bunch of roses that he chopped out of his mom's rosebush; Kevin comes worthlessly home and spies this, then pays Ruthie a hundred bucks for the flowers. Ruthie kisses her money. Kevin goes to give Lucy the stupid posies, which I hope she loves more than life itself because it cost him like, a DAY'S SALARY for them just to fucking satisfy her idiotic need for Valentine's crap. She shoves her cupcakes at him. Eiw. Simon lies alone in his dorm bed looking like a rentboy with his tight t-shirt and butch shaved head, and Dragfriend saunters in. Apparently all is forgiven and Jesus ain't such a hot kisser, because they make out without any further ado.
RevCam and Annie sit outside and eat peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches. They could not be more atrocious if they tried. Annie gives RevCam a present, and I'm sure you could all tell from the very start of this recap that it's RED SOCKS. She tells some lame roundabout story about how when she was a young and crazy ho with zillions of guys fighting each other for a piece of her pie, RevCam came a-courtin' and wet & wild Annie wasn't sure if such a straight-laced guy was for her. But then she caught sight of his INSANE RED SOCKS and she KNEW he was a fucking MAVERICK, OKAY?!? ONLY REAL FUCKING REBEL STUDS WEAR GODDAMN RED SOCKS!!! They kiss, or something. I don't fucking know.
The show wraps up pretty much exactly how it started, with the same cast members hacking and slicing their way through "Love is Sweeping etc."; the twins mumble "sexes" again and a little piece of me dies begging for the sweet release of oblivion. We end with a heart wipe on the Camdens kissing each other. With peanut butter and potato chip in their mouths.
By the way, I'm wearing blue ankle socks with white uppers and little blue hearts on them. That means that I'm a SULLEN MISANTHROPE, I'm guessing.
Last night's Everwood was enjoyable, as important things happened and Andy...well, he didn't exactly redeem himself, but whatever. The end result is what I wanted anyhow. And Amanda made me hate her even MORE by actually calling somebody a "buttmunch".
Anyhow, I think my new favourite person in the whole wide world is
So! The 7th Heaven musical. As soon as
callmesandy told me that this was going to happen, I knew it would be the best thing ever put on film. And I've seen Cool as Ice *and* The Worst Witch.The show opened with a lackluster rendition of "Love is Sweeping the Country", with Kevin woodenly delivering his one line (a blessing, as I would later learn), RevCam somehow seeming smug and pointless at the *same time*, Annie braying, Ruthie making gutteral noises, and worst of all, SamVid saying the word "sexes". I decided in that moment that I never, ever, EVER wanted to hear those horrible little monsters say anything to do with sex EVER again. Which, really, came as no surprise.
And what a day in the CamPound! The Rev sneaks away from Annie, who apparently sleeps in full makeup. How Christian is *that*, you painted harlot?!? He goes downstairs and bobbles about uselessly before engaging in some sort of long, tedious interaction with the twins wherein he declares that he's planning a French picnic basket dinner for Annie, but first he's gonna make some bacon. Um, eiw. Yes I know he meant *real* bacon, but still eiw. They get nothing done and then Annie comes galumphing downstairs and denies the Rev his bacon. Disgusting. Bacon is what led to his heart attack, so he can't have any more bacon again EVER.
Ruthie hates Valentine's Day! She meanders around school, which apparently has been turned into a kissing den of iniquity by virtue of the date. In all my years of school I've never seen so many couples canoodling; Glenoak must have a hella teenage pregnancy rate. Anyhow, she tells Martin that she's pissed because Vincent didn't call her for three days. Whatever. I don't care about that. The real excitement begins when Ruthie starts to sing, because she's using this strange affected low growl that sounds like a cat who's gotten tangled in yarn and has given up on life, resigned to just lying there haplessly and moaning in defeat. Ruthie sexes down the hallway, sits in a window ledge and flings herself from side to side like she's on the bridge of the Enterprise, then gets up and wiggles down the hall again, all the while performing her bizarre rendition of "Nice Work if You Can Get It" which really has kind of no bearing at all on what's happening. For the last verse, she pauses in the doorway and wobbles her ass from side to side! She so bootylicious! She makes that jelly touch the ground! Have you ever seen little four year-olds trying to do "sexy" dances? That kind of unbalanced teeter-totter motion they do with their midsections? Miss Ruthie Diva Britches has that down COLD, yo. I love her, I can't help it. She's so awful.
Then! Lucy whines and whines and tries to pout adorably because Kevin needs to go to work.
KEVIN: I need to go earn money for the baby and that new house we just bought!
LUCY: Well I know we've paid off the house and we have money, so you should blow off work and stay home with me!! Waaaaah!
Urm. Weh? Lucy whinges about how it's Kevin's fault they have the baby and the house, because he got her pregnant and bought the house. I don't know how logic works in Lucy-world, but it looks like it hurts. Kevin, probably desperate to escape, puts on his cop uniform and launches into "You Were Meant for Me", determined to make every note sound exactly like the last. I only recognized these songs at ALL because I know the lyrics. Lucy watches him and scrunches her face into various dyspeptic patterns, because ha ha boys are so silly. Kevin thankfully finishes his number by bawling "just...forrrr...MEEEEEEEE!" and seriously, it's the closest he's been to being on-key. He should've just shouted the whole song. They stare awkwardly at each other. He leaves.
Annie finds that since 7th Heaven leaves no good cliche unturned, the Rev has thrown in his red socks with the white laundry. They then have some pointless idiot argument about the red socks, and whether or not he's the one who likes them because he's always wearing them or she's the one who likes them because she always gets him a pair on Valentine's Day. This goes on FOREVER. I start praying for a song to break up the monotony, but there's really no point since this kind of exciting plotline is the kind of thing that the show spends ages on even if it's NOT a musical. They argue and Annie hates the dirty dishes in the sink and RevCam retreats to the church.
In between the thrilling all-singing, all-dancing numbers, Simon kisses his ugly girlfriend. Lori wants to know if it's a drag queen; I honestly don't know what to tell her. Dragfriend wants to go to Glenoak RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW and meet Simon's family. Simon looks distressed, but gives in, because what the hell else is a Camden man gonna do. Kevin is at work getting harassed by his boss, who practically forces him to order flowers for Lucy; naturally, none of the florists have roses. It takes till, like, the fifth nix before Kevin starts asking for flowers other than red roses. It's a good thing Glenoak has no crime, because I'd be scared.
RevCam sits in his office, covered in boredom. He picks up a glamour shot of Annie--complete with coy head-tilt and a shaft of heavenly light falling across her shoulder--and busts out into his best Gene Kelly impersonation version of "You Are My Lucky Star". Out of everybody who's sung so far, he's the best one, but he doesn't hit that high note at the end. Wuss. Ruthie talks to Vincent, who reasonably says that she could've called *him* if she felt like it. Ruthie prances off in a huff.
Annie goes out to the Promenade or some other open air place, whatever the fuck they have in Glenoak, and she spots Simon and Dragfriend sucking face on a bench. Simon then deserts Dragfriend to go to the bookstore (WTF?!?!?) and Annie sits down next to the girl and tells her that Simon's a big fat hoebag and she better think about it before she puts out for such a D-O-G DAWG. Annie's alternative sex partner for Dragfriend is Jesus, which she elaborates upon by caterwauling "The Man Upstairs" and pointing repeatedly at a certain patch of sky. Hallucinogenic lecture over, Annie goes about her business and Simon slinks back out of the bookstore. Dragfriend says she met his mom and oh, THE TRUTH COMES OUT: Simon's not even surprised! I guess Simon went into that bookstore to HIDE FROM ANNIE! That fucking rulezzz. Dragfriend pitches a fit and wants to be taken home *right* *now*, thank you. Way to salt Simon's game, Annie.
RevCam goes to the French bakery for his pic-a-nic basket (you can tell it's French because there's a picture of the Eiffel Tower on the door. also, it's emblazoned over a French flag. also, the place is called "Frenchie's"); but alas! It closed at 2 pm. You fucked up, RevCam. And so did Kevin, because he couldn't find any flowers. Oh, it's hilarious hijinks in Glenoak tonight, because it's so funny that Valentine's Day only matters to women and men continually screw it up! I've never SEEN such fresh, groundbreaking material!!
...okay, I'm being unfair. I shouldn't expect anything but cliche from 7th Heaven; that's what makes it so good, after all. Anyhow, the show makes up EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED SO FAR to me by having Ruthie go watch Martin and Mac play baseball. Because then Vincent shows up and busts out into "Acc-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive" and it's the most GLORIOUS THING I expect to EVER see on this show, because he fucking works it like he's up for a Tony nomination. The boy does high kicks, he does wiggly-hipped dance moves, he fucking TEARS IT UP on that baseball field while the rest of the team flips him around starlet-style and Martin and Mac hoist him on their shoulders. He's Vera Ellen! He's Esther Williams! He's a STAR!!
It's interesting to note that Martin performs this entire scene with a frozen grimace of bemused horror on his face.
Annie brings her monsters home and they run around screeching about how they ate fifty frillion cupcakes and now they're doped on sugar. Annie throws them into the backyard with the dog and engages in that time-honoured motherly tradition, Surveying the Mess in the Kitchen and Muttering to Herself about How Hard She Has It. Lucy rolls on in and wants to make cupcakes, or something. Who the fuck cares, really. Annie pours a few gallons of bleach onto the ruined laundry. Somewhere in all this, that girl who told everybody that Martin bonked her (as IF!) wants to spend time with him; when they cut to the scene of them sitting on the sofa, she's turned seductively towards him and Martin looks, I swear to God, like he's been sitting facing front and staring blankly at the wall this whole time. I don't know where this storyline is going and it's really stupid, so this is the only time I'll mention it.
More boring idiotic stuff happens to wrap up the episode--Vincent brings Ruthie a bunch of roses that he chopped out of his mom's rosebush; Kevin comes worthlessly home and spies this, then pays Ruthie a hundred bucks for the flowers. Ruthie kisses her money. Kevin goes to give Lucy the stupid posies, which I hope she loves more than life itself because it cost him like, a DAY'S SALARY for them just to fucking satisfy her idiotic need for Valentine's crap. She shoves her cupcakes at him. Eiw. Simon lies alone in his dorm bed looking like a rentboy with his tight t-shirt and butch shaved head, and Dragfriend saunters in. Apparently all is forgiven and Jesus ain't such a hot kisser, because they make out without any further ado.
RevCam and Annie sit outside and eat peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches. They could not be more atrocious if they tried. Annie gives RevCam a present, and I'm sure you could all tell from the very start of this recap that it's RED SOCKS. She tells some lame roundabout story about how when she was a young and crazy ho with zillions of guys fighting each other for a piece of her pie, RevCam came a-courtin' and wet & wild Annie wasn't sure if such a straight-laced guy was for her. But then she caught sight of his INSANE RED SOCKS and she KNEW he was a fucking MAVERICK, OKAY?!? ONLY REAL FUCKING REBEL STUDS WEAR GODDAMN RED SOCKS!!! They kiss, or something. I don't fucking know.
The show wraps up pretty much exactly how it started, with the same cast members hacking and slicing their way through "Love is Sweeping etc."; the twins mumble "sexes" again and a little piece of me dies begging for the sweet release of oblivion. We end with a heart wipe on the Camdens kissing each other. With peanut butter and potato chip in their mouths.
By the way, I'm wearing blue ankle socks with white uppers and little blue hearts on them. That means that I'm a SULLEN MISANTHROPE, I'm guessing.